November 16: REALLY??

You know what, God? Losing our son was enough.  Oh GOD, it’s ENOUGH. It’s all we can do to just get through a day. It’s all we can do to get to the point of getting to crawl back in bed and hope for dreams about him, or at least some sleep that helps us forget, just for those few hours, about the waking nightmare.

And now you have added to – okay, maybe you’ve ALLOWED this to happen – the weight: we have to take the car away from Steve’s mom, because in her grief and depression over losing yet another grandchild, her early-stage dementia has worsened and we are no longer sure she is safe. At least not right now.

The burden falls on us – Steve and I – because we live here and we are her first line of defense. But, oh God (!), we are not ready for this. We are barely able to function! And this makes me really, really, REALLY angry that you would allow this incredible burden, this incredible heaviness to be added to our already tottering load.

Today’s bible verse was from the Psalms.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.

NOT feeling it.

Last night I was dreaming about being in a big house full of children that had to be taken to church – it felt like herding cats. In the midst of the dream I heard a voice in the middle of it all saying “you have to get rid of the anger.”


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