Over the course of the last many months, I’ve become uncomfortably aware of…well, my arrogance. That whole bossing-God-around thing; me telling God what will make me feel better, what will help me move forward, what He “has” to do in order for me to want to live again, in light of this great, great loss. Who, exactly, do I think I am? And I say this not as though God is like…The Wizard of Oz (“pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!”): power-mad, arbitrary and capricious. I say this with a dawning re-awakening and re-awareness (not a word, but it works) of Who God Is. What God Is.
That is exactly how I feel…today.
When I began to consider sharing this blog, I thought, somewhere in the recesses of my mind and heart, it would not only be an outlet, a release of everything I was experiencing (which would help me heal), but ultimately be something for the greater good, in the end….. Something powerful, connecting, affirming for me, the writer; for you, the reader. I wanted to be able to share hope, to say God does exist, that He loves and is with us, even in this worst of all possible places. I do believe this can and has happened; but I also wanted to find my way into the sun again, by now.