I’m actually rather embarrassed by my neediness. Maybe other people – who have faith and yet are having to live with the death of their child – aren’t quite so….demanding. Maybe they trust God more? So that they aren’t constantly pestering Him for signs and reassurances? Am I just super-pitiful? Or is God that loving, that kind, THAT gracious? (I’m putting that in bold because that is, of course, the correct answer. Thank you, Beth P., for the gentle smack upside my head.)
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Five Months: Advocacy
More Dreams
You may not think dreams mean much. But I cannot help but be entranced, fascinated by them.
February’s Hopes
This has been a dark month in so many ways. It’s cold. Tax season is starting to gather momentum and Steve and I are hard at work, operating with approximately one single brain between us. Unfortunately, almost all of our clients (99%) have agreed to return for another year of engaging our services. Crap. I’m sorry, God, I know I should be (am!) grateful for clients who pay us for our work, who appreciate our help. But CRAP.
February’s Harsh Realities
Welcome to my wrestling match. Maybe yours too.
My emotions are all over the place as I struggle to understand, to come to terms with reality. And today, I am feeling that I’ve been such an idealist, for far too long.
Four Months
Sigh.
Lessons Learned – Part 1
What I’ve learned, or learned again, or am trying to learn:
(1) Love and community is all that matters, AND (not “but”) it’s also important to know yourself. Being with people I love and who love me, Steve and Sarah…and who love Mark (and don’t mind talking about him a lot) is super important…but right now I can only handle people in short, small doses. I know this is causing my family, in particular, great pain. God, I wish they could fix this, too. Whether introvert or ambivert, my inclination, when I am hurt, is to draw inward, like a turtle retreating into its shell. I don’t know how to do it any other way. I can’t force myself to be something I am not.
The Dreaded Holidays: A Recap
There is a “rule” about life in the aftermath of death – you either keep everything the same at holidays, or you do something totally different. We decided early on that Sarah would get to decide about Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Check Up: ‘ow You Doin’?
(If you get that reference to an old commercial, then we can be friends. If you can quote from The Princess Bride, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Harry Potter [all of them], LOTR [all of them] and MIB I-III, and if you secretly love the first Terminator movie, then we can be BEST friends. If you’ve read and love Terry Pratchett books, well, you can move in.)
We are all grateful for the counseling appointments because it is a safe place to share our separate journeys with such a common subject – a place where we can all hear from each other (three introverts, in case you missed that salient point; Mark was the only extrovert). I get this picture in my head, of our counselor sitting in the center of a ring of 3 turtles who have their heads pulled completely inside their shells, but little chubby legs/claws are still extended, desperately reaching out to the others and holding on tight.
Dreams and Other Mysteries as the Year Ends
As the days of December shortened and the nights grew longer, Mark appeared in my dreams a few times. I have always been a vivid dreamer and it had bothered me that he’d only shown up two or three times up to this point.
BLUE SKIES REMIND ME 