I’ve started wondering about that deer in the woods. What was that about? (Was that something profound or something I need not try to weight down with import?) And perfect strangers have reported, to a friend, that they’ve “seen” Mark in the spiritual sense. One even mentioned red, black and white and wondered why the significance of those colors…? Well… those are his high school’s colors. And one of his favorite things is his red, white & black pom-pom winter hat.

Whoa.

But.

[Grumble]

Did they cheat? Look up his obit?

I wrestle with this for so many reasons.  I don’t understand why a stranger would be able to experience my kid when I get nothing but a couple of short dreams.

And…that love burst thing.  And…that deer… thing….! OK, OK, God – those were, admittedly, rather…different.

My mind is reeling. How can I interpret this stuff? How does this all MESH?? I don’t understand how all this jibes with angels singing before the throne of God…the picture of heaven in the bible. I am determined to be obedient, to walk that fine line of faith and trust, but I feel like I’m not getting any answers otherwise, answers to my continued prayers for something that will tell me Mark is really OK.

A pastor friend – one who has had a “near death experience” herself, and has seen visions of heaven and the departed – gently cautioned me to keep my focus on God: “what counts most is trusting the Lord and continuing to receive the gift of faith…[I]nstead of seeking to know your son’s presence, it’s better and safer spiritually to keep seeking the Lord’s face and keep trusting Him to console you and grant you His peace.”

Forgive me, God. Really really. But here’s the deal: I’ve lost my son, my boy, my child. I want to know he’s safe, I want to at least know he’s okay.  I KNOW what scripture says! I know every stinking consoling passage in the bible! But THIS mom, THIS person, this seeker, this soul…is asking for more.  Please calm me, help me to trust in you, to wait on you. And please, oh please please please, answer my prayer.

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in Him. Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods [or lies].                          Psalm 40:1-4