Bailey’s haunting film — his catharsis, his way to work through so many emotions after Mark, one of his best friends, died – won most of the prizes at the high school’s IB film festival last night. He was given Jury Prize, Audience Choice Runner-Up, and Best Screenwriting. If you want to watch it, click here.

Bailey interviewed Steve and I extensively about our experience the day Mark died, and I worked with him a little bit on the script. It’s not the same as ours, his story. He took our words, his thoughts, his feelings and emotions, and wove something new. Ultimately we must each tell our own story, to make sense of it all.

You may not want to read this one.  Really.

I hate this.

I. HATE. IT.

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Just because your child dies doesn’t exempt you from other crap; life continues in all its incredible messiness. There are still challenges that can feel absolutely overwhelming, and in my soul-depleted state, turn my heart back to the cliff’s edge, overlooking that dark valley of despair and hopelessness.

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Normally I like my birthday, I like celebrating another year on this planet.  I like cake. Just not this year. Meh.

I deeply appreciated all the good wishes I received, I just didn’t feel like celebrating.

Fortunately, some other people did.  Words cannot express how much I love this video, made with the usual incredible creativity of Jessica Riddle (with Andy and Steve, of course).

To watch, click here.

I really want to encourage you to take the time to review your personal history, especially if you’ve ever felt like God hasn’t heard you.

As I mentioned before, I’ve decided to go through all my old calendars, journal entries, photos and credit card records in order to create a “family history”…a record of our years together. This takes a lot of time — I’ve only gotten to 2012 and I still haven’t looked at photos and card charges for any year.

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As noted before: I read a lot of books, several of which I’ve already mentioned. And I have wonderful resources in friends who are way down the road ahead of me, theologically speaking; they are excellent guides and mentors as I seek to understand God.

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While I was in Sanibel, Mark was in my dreams twice.

The first dream was short and weird. Mark and I were standing in the front yard of someone’s house. We were visiting; possibly preparing to leave. I looked up at the sky – it was twilight, the sun was preparing to set – and a single white cloud hung, suspended, but the cloud was a specific shape, sort of like a skinny oak leaf. I thought “that’s really, really odd” and then my attention was distracted for a bit, perhaps by  Continue reading →

I had actually tried to arrange my Sanibel retreat so that I could return after Mother’s Day. I knew Sarah wouldn’t be around that day anyhow – what was the point? I was pretty desperate NOT to be home, in fact.

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There were two other things that happened in Sanibel which were pretty amazing – things that were, as I had asked for, very specific to Mark and to our history, our relationship. They were both symbols/reminders of a family vacation we took to Prince Edward Island, and things that happened there. I’m not sure I can recreate it well enough to tell the story, so just trust me: they were cool. Meant only for me.

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I am standing on my balcony as I type this – my laptop perched on a tall café table – looking out at the gulf. The water is once again a lovely greenish turquoise. The temps today are moderate – not hot. I’ve been hearing that the DC area, home, has experienced endless rain the entire time I’ve been here. Ew. I told a friend I’ve become a “special little seashell” now…I need SUN.

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