As I have shared this journey, I have been conscious of a sense of responsibility. I’ve wanted to be 100% honest, but not without also holding out the hope I’ve always felt, even if very very dimly at times.
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What I Remember, What I Love
In no particular order.
• That you wore nothing but Sperry’s boat shoes for the last many years (which made me worry about your arches) and they smelled HORRENDOUS.
• How you talked to the cat. I still talk to the cat like that. Who taught who?
• How much you LOVED Legos, and Bionicles in particular. I realized last fall, just before you died, how hard it was to put them together! And little 6, 7, 8 year old you never asked for help.
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An Anniversary Is Just Another Day
I don’t know if I’ll be able to write tomorrow, so I’ll say this today: as you might expect, we are weepier as October 8th approaches. One whole year without Mark. But I recently realized – and this actually helped me – an “anniversary” can be just another day. Here’s what I mean….
Arrogance, Cups of Reality, and Surrender. Oh: and Tattoos
Over the course of the last many months, I’ve become uncomfortably aware of…well, my arrogance. That whole bossing-God-around thing; me telling God what will make me feel better, what will help me move forward, what He “has” to do in order for me to want to live again, in light of this great, great loss. Who, exactly, do I think I am? And I say this not as though God is like…The Wizard of Oz (“pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!”): power-mad, arbitrary and capricious. I say this with a dawning re-awakening and re-awareness (not a word, but it works) of Who God Is. What God Is.
Prognosis Uncertain
That is exactly how I feel…today.
When I began to consider sharing this blog, I thought, somewhere in the recesses of my mind and heart, it would not only be an outlet, a release of everything I was experiencing (which would help me heal), but ultimately be something for the greater good, in the end….. Something powerful, connecting, affirming for me, the writer; for you, the reader. I wanted to be able to share hope, to say God does exist, that He loves and is with us, even in this worst of all possible places. I do believe this can and has happened; but I also wanted to find my way into the sun again, by now.
Why Pray?
As I wrestle with God and the why-questions I know He probably won’t answer (in this 
life), this is sort of the underlying bigger question: why pray if God is in charge/in control/going to do what He wills regardless of whether it matches our wants and desires? OR, to put it another way: does prayer make a difference?
Housecleaning
July was quite the month for dreaming. I wish I could remember if I ate or drank differently. Or maybe all those tears during June and earlier in the month helped wash away the debris for a while so I could “see” more clearly inside my subconscious. Endlessly I dreamed of being in or moving out of a temporary place; of cleaning up a rental we’d lived in a long while.
A Grandmother’s Stories
Mary is Steve’s stepmom. She and Steve’s father were married in the early 1980’s; they were quite happy until his sudden death in 1996. When she remarried in 2002 – much to her surprise, as she had claimed she would never marry again – we were beyond delighted. Tom was the perfect partner. His relatively sudden death from cancer in late 2014 rocked all our boats hard. To lose another grandchild (Mark is actually the second, following our nephew, John, who died at 7 years of age in 2001 due to complications from leukemia) on the heels of that profound loss was and is devastating.
Highway to Heaven
The week after Mark’s birthday was good, bad, wonderful, awful, emotional, meaningful, and 50 more adjectives. Sarah and I were involved with Vacation Bible School at our church – something I really love, something both kids grew up doing every single summer. For 12 years, in fact (from 1999 to 2011), I was the co-coordinator and I have SO MANY happy memories of carting a van-load of kids to VBS, with trips to the pool or home for a play-date afterward. Such sweetness. Those kids are now grown people, who say it is a fond, fond memory as well.
It Was Twenty Years Ago Today….
Today is Mark’s birthday. He would have been 20…he is 20. I guess. (Do you get to age in heaven, if you want? Or just pick the age you like?)
BLUE SKIES REMIND ME 